Irish Wit, Wisdom and Humor by Gerd de Ley

Author:Gerd de Ley
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hatherleigh Press
Published: 2019-01-18T08:12:57+00:00

I watched a funeral go by and asked who was dead. A man said, ‘The fella in the box.’

—Dave Allen

“ Times’ve changed, Veronica,” he said.

“ I suppose so,” said Veronica. “But do we have to keep up with them? ”

—Roddy Doyle

‘Daddy, when I grow up I want to be an actor.’

‘Don’t be greedy, son, you can’t be both.’

—Hugh Leonard

The doctor said to his patient, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have twenty-four hours to live.” The patient says, “What’s the bad news?” The doctor says, “I should have told you yesterday.”

—Frank Carson

Two guys came knocking at my door once and said, “We want to talk to you about Jesus.” I said, “Oh, no, what’s he done now?”

—Kevin McAleer

‘What’s the chicken like?’

‘It doesn’t like anything. It’s dead.’

—Spike Milligan

At my army medical examination the doctor said to me, ‘Get your clothes off’. I said, ‘Shouldn’t you take me out to dinner first?’

—Spike Milligan

‘How are you at Mathematics?’

‘I speak it like a native.’

—Spike Milligan

‘Is anything worn beneath the kilt?’

‘No, it’s all in perfect working order!’

—Spike Milligan

“What are you famous for?”

“For nothing. I am just famous.”

—Iris Murdoch

I asked my girlfriend who she fantasized about while we were having sex, and she said, “I don’t really have time.”

—Owen O’Neill

A man said to me, “What’s the name of that place that’s always being bombed?” I said, “I don’t know. It’s not there anymore.”

—Owen O’Neill

Seamus: “I bet I can predict your next sentence.”

Paddy: “I knew you were going to say that.”

—Milo O’Shea

I once told my dentist I’d prefer to have a baby than have a tooth out. He said, “You better make up your mind before I adjust the chair.”

—Maureen Potter

Doctor: “How is your husband doing with the diet I gave him?”

Wife: “Wonderful. He disappeared last week.”

—Laura Stack

A man went to the doctor. He said, “Get up on the coach.” The man said, “Why?” The doctor said, “I want to sweep the floor.”

—Marty Whelan

At a church social, a little boy came up and asked me how old I was. I said, ‘I’m 76?’ ‘And you’re still alive?’ he said.

—Jack Wilson

Paddy: “I’m not a complete idiot.”

Mick: “Why? What bit is missing?”

—Dusty Young

I rang British Telecom. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”

—Frank Carson

A guy goes into B&Q and says: “I’d like some nails please.” “How long would you like them?” “I want to keep them.”

—Frank Carson

A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

—Frank Carson

My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”

I said, “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

—Frank Carson

Two little sardines swimming in the sea came across a submarine. “What’s that?” said one, peering in. “Only people in a tin.”

—Spike Milligan

‘John, your father wants you to build a boat at once,’ she said. Where is father?’ inquired John. ‘In the middle of the lake, drowning.

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